Bully: a person who habitually seeks to harm or intimidate those whom they perceive as vulnerable.
When we think of a bully we think of someone big, mean, uncaring, maybe two-dimensional, maybe in 5th grade, maybe on Nickelodeon. But when we think of some of the behavior of a bully, like:
Trying to make someone do something they don’t want to do
Being unsympathetic
Pestering another person over and over until they do what you want
Prioritizing your wants over someone’s needs
It kind of sounds like my behavior some of the time when I want my child to do something they don’t want to do, or don’t understand why they have to do it. I would never treat an adult like that because those are bullying behaviors and I’m not a bully. But when my child:
Picks something up in a store, I tell them repeatedly to put it back, put it back, put IT BAAAAAAACK!
Wants to stay longer in the playground, I threaten them with no TV.
Drops something important that was left out, I get mad and say they’re not supposed to touch other people’s things.
Starts crying, I tell them to stop because we are in public and everyone’s looking.
So, you have to constantly remind yourself that young children don’t understand most of why they do things. They do what they do because they:
Feel curious. They just want to find out about a new object they see.
Want to have fun. When they are having fun, they don’t understand why they have to stop.
Are very emotional. Their feelings are an objective reality for them. They don’t yet understand how the world works, and they especially don’t understand why anyone would compose themselves just because they’re in public. Oh also, they don’t know the concept of public.
Can’t control or stop themselves…yet. They don’t have the cognitive or mental ability to do that. They will, in time, if we utilize their development to understand what they need to learn and how they will learn it best.
Practice non-bullying actions like:
Explaining why they can’t just pick up things in a store that we’re not going to buy - “That’s the rules of a store.”
Remind them that there’s a time for everything. “The playground fun is over for now because we have to go home and start dinner.”
Labeling their feelings so they know you see and hear them. “I see that you’re upset. Come here and I can give you a hug until the feeling passes. Then we can keep on walking.”
Pro Tip: Whisper this like a secret so they have to stop the loud crying to hear you.
Tell them what they can do instead of repeatedly telling them what they cannot do. “You can stay here and take a deep breath until you can use your walking feet or inside voice.”
Finally, treat them like a friend - with respect, consideration, manners, and affection. Because - reality check - they will be that one day, and they will know how to treat other friends by watching you.
And about the important thing, they broke: please make sure your environment is appropriate for an active, curious, developing child. Don't set them up to fail, set them up to discover and explore!
Thank you for reading!
CHILD IN MIND is YOUR bridge between early childhood education and your home. We have been in the childcare industry for 22 years and aim to grant you access to our extensive professional experience and understanding of this generation of children. Our mission is to create equity in family resources and support by helping brown and black families strengthen their parenting skills to give their kids the tools for happiness and success.
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