Do children have self-control? Hold on. First of all, let’s articulate what self-control means:
Having strong feelings but not expressing them because it’s not socially acceptable
Want to say something that we honestly think but restraining ourselves because we know it can hurt people around us
Our body wants to just do something because we feel like it (pick our nose, stand up, and walk away) but we don't because people are looking at us
We do this alllllll day every day because we are:
Adults observing social norms
Aware of other people’s feelings
Sensitive to what people expect of us in particular circumstances
Self-conscious of what we look like to others
Let’s recap. This will be on the test. The keywords are:
Social norms
Maturity
Sensitivity
Self-conscious
Do these words describe children? Are they words we use when we speak about children? Lol. No. In fact, brain studies show that children cannot exert a lot of self-control yet because the synapses in the brain that connect cognitive awareness and actions are not fully formed. Don’t worry though, over time, they’ll grow millions.
So is it really fair for us to have expectations of a young child’s behavior? Not really, no. More often than not, we even react and punish our children when they don’t exhibit self-control. And as you know by now, the negative words and feelings we relay to them now end up affecting their self-esteem, self-image, worldview, and relationships. Really! Right now, they’re looking to us to help them discover who they are, build their self-esteem, make friends, figure out how to exist. When we detract from that process with unattainable expectations, we are weakening factors that help them build self-control when they’re able.
Right, right, right. Now you’re all, “Ok so what do I do in the meantime?” We need to describe the world and its rules to them. In fact, we need to help them practice self-control. Practice being the keyword here, because they were like, just born. And it takes them a while to learn social rules, especially while they’re busy mastering more complex rules of gravity, balance, depth of visual field, proportion - all very necessary to keep their bodies alive and safe and such.
We’re not saying self-control cannot be taught yet. Actually, it’s important to teach them to control their impulses in early childhood, from zero to two years old, so they can get used to limits like not being allowed to run in the street or throw food across the room or hit their friends. It’s the way we show them the limits that will negatively or positively affect their perception and observance of those limits that are important.
So how do we do it?
By telling them what to do, instead of what not to do
For example: “Food stays on the plate, it’s not to be played with or thrown. This way we can keep it clean when we are ready to eat it.” (Providing a reason will remind them later why)
Stop saying no without an explanation
If you say no without explanation, you’re not contributing to the cognitive growth of your child. They are very smart, always trying to be smarter, and the more information you give them the more they can develop self-control
But just use one or two sentences. Do not sermonize - children hate that and they won’t retain it
By reminding them of limits before you enter a situation
Before you enter a playdate, go over the shortlist of rules: play with toys gently, be kind to your friends, use your words if you want or feel something. If they can speak a lot of words, you can have them repeat after you. Again, you’re contributing to their cognitive growth by treating them with intelligence and respect. Notice that the rules are NO statements
Children are watching you closely to see how they are supposed to live their lives. So practice what you preach, and show them how to do it and tell them while you are doing it: “I’m keeping the food on my plate and enjoying it, yummmm”
And finally, by loving them
And telling them when they do use their listening ears and show self-control. This way, they can learn what was the right thing they did
Most importantly!! Speak to them about the correct behavior they displayed rather than only pointing out when they do something incorrectly. Sometimes, our lives get so chaotic that we get into a habit of being transactional with our children (sit down, get up, pick up your toys) that we forget to be attentive and supportive when they aren’t being needy or are just playing by themselves. We need to build cuddle time and hugs-for-no-reason time, even just for 20-30 minutes a night. Read a book or ask them how their day went and tell them how your day went as well. The way you speak about your life is showing them how to live their lives and how to handle what’s coming up.
Thank you for reading!
CHILD IN MIND is YOUR bridge between early childhood education and your home. We have been in the childcare industry for 22 years and aim to grant you access to our extensive professional experience and understanding of this generation of children. Our mission is to create equity in family resources and support by helping brown and black families strengthen their parenting skills to give their kids the tools for happiness and success.
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